Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
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