I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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