a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
