In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
