The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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