Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Randomize
