I accidentally had phone sex last night
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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