I want to walk on stilts...naked
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
