mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
