The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
