We're facebook friends in real life
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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