Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
