Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
