there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
