Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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