I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Congratulations! We have a period
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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