Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
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All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
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Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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