What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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