i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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