your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
