they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
