Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
