Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
