The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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