I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
