It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
