if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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