Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Randomize
