Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
it hurts more in the daytime
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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