Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
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