Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
