My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
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