I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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