I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
