So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
