I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
