I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
