keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
