shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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