Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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