Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Randomize
