And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
