How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
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Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
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I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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