I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
