I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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