i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
