I wish you could order shots online.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
