dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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