i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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