you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
