Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
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