Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Randomize
