I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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