Old men and throwing up are my life now.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
