soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
