summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
