Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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