i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
